I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
This is a mass text. Does anyone know what the hell the asian woman at the end of Napoleon Dynamite is doing in the movie
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
