I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Randomize
