Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Randomize
