So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
