the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
