Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
Randomize
