my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
Randomize
