My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Randomize
