The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Randomize
