I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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