Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
I'm passing your future prison.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
I'm too high and old for this...
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
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