Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
