I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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