So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
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