i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
