Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Who wears a wallet chain?!
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
this study room smells like vodka
the study room thinks the same about you
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
