I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Randomize
