here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
splinters make it hard to masturbate
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
It's shark week go big or go home
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
