I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
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