it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
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