I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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