i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
Randomize
