CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
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