so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
Randomize
