so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
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