Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
Randomize
