I have a story that starts with Nutella and ends with sex in the laundry building at RIT.
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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