Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
Someone came in the potted fern
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Randomize
