i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
Randomize
