Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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