my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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