Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
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