well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I could make wine with my vomit
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
Randomize
