we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
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