My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
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