i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
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