You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Dicks are not precious.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
