explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
Randomize
