What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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