My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
Randomize
