God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
Terrible idea I love it
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
