Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
Dude, Erin Andrews has a nude video circulating the internet.
Is it any good?
Let me put it this way: I bet Stuart Scott's lazy eye went straight after watching that.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
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