Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
