i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
Randomize
