She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
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