Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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