I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Randomize
