You work out of a Hotel?
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
