our cab driver is having phone sex.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
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