I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
