i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Randomize
