I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Randomize
